My name is Rajshekhar. I was born and brought up in Bangalore. I have studied till the 8th grade. Its been 18 years since I left home. I was not comfortable staying with my family and surroundings since I was branded as a “Chaka”. So I moved out and found a Hijra community. One of the hijra’s took me to her house, so that I could pour out my feelings to her. I sensed that even this community would not be devoid of problems. Problems like sexual and oral abuse.
I was not quite stable at that time and had no place to stay. I became a part of the Hijra community 18 years ago. The Hijra’s I stayed with told me that I had to wear a “saree”. But I refused to wear one as I am the only son to my parents. My guru quoted that if “If you want to stay in this community, you have to wear a saree, pierce your ears and nose otherwise we will beat you up”. I completely disagreed to what she said.
Since my childhood I had decided that I wanted to be like a girl. Have a boy friend and I wanted a lot of freedom. Within the Hijra community I had two options either to beg or to become a sex- worker. I frankly did not want to do sex- work. Since I was young I was really confused and could not decide on what was right and what was wrong for me.
I then approached another guru and she accepted me as her daughter.
She took me to Bombay for “reeth”(formal adoption ceremony). After which she asked me if “I wanted to get castrated” and I refused. The thought of getting castrated by “Daima”(castration done without any operation/medicines) really frightened me and I ran away.
I started accompanying my guru to beg as there were hardly any Hijra’s seen then. My daily earnings would total up to Rs 2,000. Inspite of all this I felt that I was not doing the right thing so I ran away from my guru’s house and started sleeping on the streets. I was sexually harassed on the streets. So I went up to one of my friends and found out if I could get a house for myself. I was emotionally physically and mentally shattered. At that point I considered dieing a better option than living. She then suggested that I wear a “saree” during the day and wear “shirt and pant” at night. I tried this out for a few days but later people did recognize me and started pin-pointing at me.
Then one day I went to my “nani’s” house and she introduced me to one “hamam”. That was the first time I indulged in sex- work and did not find it satisfying. By then I had acquired a lot of knowledge on castration and considered the pros and cons. I decided to get castrated. My guru got me castrated.
I then stayed with my guru and lived my own life. During this time a small conflict occurred between me and my guru, (my guru wanted to stay with her boy friend and that was not acceptable to me) which made me want to commit suicide. But I was not successful. I came back to my guru. Another “guru” then adopted me and made me stay with her.
I rethought about my life and how sex- work had become a profession and that my earnings had increased. So I decided to give my parents a share of the money I had earned. With this thought in my mind I went home. But they did not accept me I was beaten by them.
I returned to the Hijra community and my guru started a new “hamam” on my name. I interacted with a lot of boys there. I fell in love with one of them. He is a rickshaw driver. We had a great time together, sharing our thoughts, feelings and moving around in his rickshaw.
I later got to know that he was in love with another Hijra and wanted to get married to her. I attended his wedding. I realized that it was high time I told him about my feelings towards him. So that very night I told him that “I have loved you since a year.”
After a month the couple had a major fight. That is when my lover approached me and asked me “Do you still love me? And how much?” and I told him that “I still love you and I will keep on loving you till I die. I can even commit suicide if you ask me to”. That day my lover and I had a long conversation and he asked me if I would leave sex- work for him, clear all my loans and if I would you like to stay with him after six months. I agreed and I was excited to be with him.
I spoke to my guru regarding the conversation I had with my lover and she did not approve of it. So I left the Hijra community again and went and stayed with my boyfriend. The police found out that a hijra was staying with a male and I was been beaten by the police. I wanted to commit suicide so I hung myself from the fan.
My boyfriend consoled me and told me that I could stay with him forever. So I reassured myself. We then went and told my boyfriend’s mother that I loved him. She loaded me with a lot of questions like “Where are you from?” “How do you earn money?” So I truthfully told her everything. I told her that I stayed with my guru and I made a living through sex–work.
She accepted me as her son’s wife only within the house and not in public. During this phase, I was constantly tested by my mother in law. She did not believe the fact that I truly loved her son. She blackmailed me and made me do things to prove that I loved her son.
I was forcefully made to eat a full plate of rice on a full stomach. I would keep quiet and eat that extra plate of rice only because I truly loved him. Later in the night after my mother-in-law would fall asleep I would go away from the house and vomit out all the food.
My lover added to the misery. He would allow me to be with him only in the mornings and later at night I would have to go outside as he wanted to have sex with other hijra’s. I was extremely hurt. I hated going out of the room and patiently waiting till my lover had sex with the other hijra’s. I went through this torture only because I loved him immensely. He was beaten up by the other men in the society. I really disliked that and tried to stop the other men from hitting him.
Few days later my husband introduced me to one of his friends. I accepted him as my brother and tied a “rakhi” on his hand. We had a lot of conversations. We spoke about my husband. I told him that “I really loved him and I have done a lot for him till now. He is my life”. My husband then joined us in the conversation and asked me “If you love me so much, what will happen if I leave you and go?” I clearly told him that I will live the life that I lead earlier and live on the footpaths.
One fine day I sat back and thought of what I was doing with my life. I wanted to be around in the society, I wanted to earn a lot of money. That is when I went to my guru and told her of all that I had gone through. She helped me and got me a job in an organization.
That night I requested my husband to spend sometime with me and just listen to what I had to say. I wanted to tell him a lot of things. I told him how he had physically, emotionally and mentally abused me and how I still continued to be with him. I shared a lot of things that had been bothering me for a long time.
That night I just walked off from the house crying and went walking a long way and reached a park. I went in front of a tree and poured out all my feelings to it. When I went back home my husband was very suspicious about me going to the park. He asked me questions like “Who did you meet in the park?”, “What were you doing there for so long?”, “Do you have a boyfriend outside?” I clearly told him that I was speaking out to the tree in the park and I was all alone. I told him “My love for you is never ending, even if you don’t love me its fine but the one thing I expect from you is to put one garland of “Malligay” flowers on my dead body and just two drops of tears from your eyes, that’s all”.
The next day my husband approached his friend and told him about my love for him. That very night my husband came into the room and seeing me asleep sat next to the bed and held my feet and cried a lot. I was awake but pretended to be fast asleep. I did not do or say anything to see what he would say or do next.
It was my birthday the next day, so he wished me and surprised me with movie tickets and a cake. He took me to my parents place to meet them. That was a memorable day for me and I met a lot of my friends and guru’s.
But my happiness did not last very long. That very night my husband’s first wife came to visit him and she wanted to have sex with him. I was extremely hurt when my husband agreed to do so.
My relationship with my husband is still not stable.
I eagerly wait to hear him truly say “I love you.”
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